A Maze of a Story

Strap yourselves in, this one is kinda a lot….heh…..

If you know me pretty well, you know that a super distinct trait of mine is, and always will be, how bad my knees are LOL!

I’m that girl in gym class with the leg brace on…but like actually needs it. Trust me when I say that I used to get SO uncomfortable when I was little having to put it on at school during any physical activity.

This trait of mine has definitely become a running joke in my life, and I’m totally okay with it! I personally think the jokes are hilarious and I make fun of myself all the time! I have accepted that I’ll never be a long-distance runner with my anatomy haha.

In the grand scheme of my life, my knees are a very insignificant problem. While they can be annoying, they don’t usually affect my overall quality of life. I usually need to just be a little mindful when I’m playing sports or walking long distances.

However, what I don’t usually share is how much of a psychological toll these knees of mine have taken on me throughout the years.

I have a condition in my knee joints called patella alta. This is when the knee cap sits abnormally high up on the joint, causing frequent knee cap dislocation (gross I know) or subluxation.

I found out about the patella alta in my right knee when I was about 7 years old. I then came to realize around age 13 that I actually had it in both my knees (boo)!

This means that whenever I perform a physical activity involving my legs ….sadly even walking around normally…..I am at risk of my knee cap spazzing out. I am fortunate enough that my legs tend to subluxate (meaning the knee cap slides out of place and right back into place) more often than dislocate (when they slide out and stay out……once again this is GROSS I know I’m sorry, I’ll stop the explanations now).

ANYWAYS, I’ve always loved staying active - especially when it comes to dancing. However, over the years, my creative little bones have made it very difficult for me to have confidence in myself when it comes to dance.

My knees have created many an injury and painful nights. Over the years, I’ve come to accept that there are certain things I cannot execute as flawlessly as others. There are certain angles my legs physically cannot fully straighten at without subluxation. These have been very hard pills for me to swallow, being I naturally want to try everything and perform it as best I can.

This condition also often causes me a whole lot of embarrassment due to the ways I’ve wiped out in front of others as a result of my knees giving out! When I look back on those moments, I often laugh at myself and cringe at my go-to response of “Oops, I’m just clumsy” to the awkward stares I get instead of explaining myself like I should (I’m weird for that I know, but trust me, explaining the long story gets old after awhile)!

Since I don’t know many with this same thing, I’ve desperately looked for someone my age on the internet that had this condition as well. But when I searched, I could not seem to find them or find people in general talking about this topic. So this had me thinking, why not me?!

Now I know patella alta is pretty rare, so my audience for this would be very tiny and very specific. But honestly, just writing this post was therapeutic for me, since I now get to have all my thoughts in one place about something that has troubled me for so long.

I tend to not share all this information with people because I would always feel like they won’t care or don’t have time for this maze of a story (which is almost never the case in reality).

Now by this point, you may be wondering why I haven’t gotten surgery to fix this once and for all. Well, I have gotten surgery before to try and mend the one knee. I’ve been told the other knee would be a more intense procedure (very intense in my humble opinion). And I also know there’s never going to be a good time in my eyes to get it fixed, with life being crazy as it is.

As much of a hassle these legs have become, I’m constantly battling myself and thoughts like: “Would the procedures be more of a hassle than your current situation?” or “What if the surgeries don’t work in the long run?”

And if I’m being honest, I don’t have answers. I really wish I did!

What I do know is that I’m going to keep pushing to be the best dancer I can be with the legs I was given, even if this means slighting adjusting certain moves to help prevent injury. I’m going to keep working at bettering myself versus focusing on my weaknesses. I’m not going to let this stop me from doing what makes me the happiest. I may know my limitations all too well, but I believe I have new strengths waiting to be uncovered in the future!